Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
