I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize