Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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