My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
