Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We talked him into tasing himself.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
