Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
