After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
