I met the friendliest cop last night
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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