We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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