I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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