good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
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Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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