you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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