The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
