Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Randomize
