WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
