Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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