Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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