If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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