i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
