I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
