I love black thongs
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
