i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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