A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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