I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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