Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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