just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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