Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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