I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
only if we run a train.
done.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
