thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
