I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
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You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
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I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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