textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
