i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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