My sheets look like a crime scene.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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