I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
