4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
