I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
