3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Acid is not a monday night drug
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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