Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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