Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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