Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
