she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We left the knife in your bed.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
