Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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