If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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