so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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