come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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