Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
