You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
