I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
