he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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