True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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