How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
