sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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