i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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