I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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