I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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