You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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